Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
