You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
