That's when you crack a 10am beer
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
