Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
NoShamevember. You game?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
