Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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