This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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