is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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