I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
