Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
