i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
