Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
