i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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