I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
