Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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