I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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