if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
