Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
