just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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