I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
