Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
