Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
