My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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