I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
