We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
