remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
