I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
