i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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