i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
