did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Please, let me fuck your mom
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
