my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize