I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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