i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
