Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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