That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
