The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
