now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
