i just sent this text using only my big toe
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
