the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
