Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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