if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
