so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize