I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
