I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
