So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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