dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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