life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
