Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
