I accidentally burped into my bong.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
