I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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