I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
