I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
