i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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