Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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