Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
