turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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