like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
