How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
