You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
