Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
