he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize