I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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