I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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