I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
