I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
