I wish I could teleport
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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