Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
