She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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