Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
