Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
