I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
