currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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